And That's How You Make Cheese
by Curious Nightmare
Summary: Rating for language usage. Isis is out of town and leaves Malik in charge of Marik, leaving the disasterous duo to wreak havoc on all that is decent and make...cheese. Better than it most likely sounds which is why I don't write these professionally. RR


**And That's How You Make Cheese**

Be afraid…be very afraid.

_No, I don't own the Yu-Gi-Oh characters, for which they're all very thankful. Nor do I own the line from Austin Powers, or any other lines that may have come from various other shows, mostly Monty Python, if any. Oh, and don't take any of this seriously, I love all of the characters dearly (and I think they are all OOC in this, but) this is strictly for entertainment…enjoy! (Oh, and all prices in American money because I'm too lazy to convert it)_

So you're less confused, Malik Malik, and Marik Yami no Malik, for the sake of giving me less to type.

**A/N:** _This story is weird. I was inspired for this by a book that I found in our basement called "And That's How You Make Cheese"…after I found it I thought to myself, "wow, that would be an interesting premise for a YGO story starring my two favorite bakas"…after some careful thought and calculations (read: a few episodes of Monty Python and talking to my dad about insane things), this little gem is what sprouted up. Enjoy!_

Malik stared out the window at the falling rain, waiting for his sister to stop talking.

"-And don't touch the stuff for the Party tomorrow evening. I'll be back tomorrow. Please don't destroy anything- and keep Marik under control," Isis finished.

"Goodbye Isis," Malik said as she walked out the door.

Once Rishid had gone to watch TV, Marik appeared.

"I'm hungry," he said, heading to the kitchen.

Malik would have just gone to watch TV with Rishid were it not for fear of his sister's wrath. When he got to the kitchen his stomach dropped- Marik had eaten the cheese.

"I am so dead," Malik moaned. "Marik! Isis is going to kill us! That was for the party!"

"Oh shit," Marik said. Even he knew to avoid Isis's wrath.

"That was expensive cheese, too. There's no way we'll be able to buy more," Malik said.

"Hehe, um, at least it was good," Marik said.

"This is serious!" Malik said, near hysterics.

"Maybe we could make more," Marik said.

"Stop joking around," Malik said.

"I'm not," Marik said.

Malik thought for a moment. "That just might work."

"A pig?" Malik said, skeptically.

He had gone to the local cheese shop to find out what they needed to make cheese.

"Yes, a pig stomach. Now, if you'd kindly leave, I have _paying_ customers to attend to," the man said snootily, turning away.

Where are we going to find a pig? Marik asked as the left the shop.

/I have no clue Malik said, then spotted a payphone. /Actually, I might just have an idea.

Malik walked over to the phone and dialed 1-800-CALL-ATT, then Ryou's number. Bakura's voice answered.

"If this isn't important, you're dead," the tomb robber said.

"Bakura, do you know where we can find a pig?" Malik asked.

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Bakura asked.

"Ha, ha, very funny," Malik said sarcastically. "I mean the oink, oink kind."

"So do I," Bakura said.

"30,000 comics out of work and you have to try and be one," Malik said, sourly.

"I thought I was doing rather well. Anyway. . .what in the name of Ra do you want with a pig? Is some kind of prank or are you _that_ hungry?" Bakura asked.

"Neither. We need to make some cheese," Malik said.

"Cheese?…" Bakura said, cluelessly.

"Yes, Dumbo ate the Christmas cheese and we need to make more by tomorrow," Malik said.

"Have you considered buying more?"

"Yes, but making it has to be cheaper and faster."

"Sounds logical to me. I don't have a pig, but I'll help you find one. I'll be over in a minute."

"Cheese?" Seto asked, the three figures standing before him.

Malik nodded.

"Okay, run this by me again. You want _what_?" Seto asked.

"A pig. Everyone knows cheese comes from a pig's stomach," Malik said smartly.

"And you want the whole pig?" Seto asked, rather confused.

"Yes," Marik said. "We're hoping to speed up the process."

"Right," Seto, said skeptically. "Tell you what, I know a pig farmer that lives near here. I'll have one of my associates call ahead, then I'll take you over there."

He scribbled a note and handed it to his secretary who suddenly started coughing and choking. Ignoring this, Seto led the three (morons) out the door, a miniscule video camera sticking out of his pocket.

'Now's the time I'm glad I don't have a conscience,' Seto thought as they drove away.

"You boys wanna what?" Farmer Fred Ziffle asked.

"They want a pig, Seto said.

"I don't know what you want to do with this pig, but it's either illegal, immoral, or fattening, and I want no part unless you're sending video," Farmer Fred Ziffle said.

"They want to make cheese," Seto said.

"I usually buy mine, but to each his own," Fred said, throwing them a weird look.

"So how much would a pig cost?" Malik asked.

"To buy? Oh, about 300," Fred said.

"What about to rent," Malik asked, choking on the price.

"40," Fred said.

"Deal," Malik said, handing him 40.

"Is there any way to speed up the cheese-making process?" Bakura asked.

"When you feed it the milk, give it these, too," Seto said, handing him a box of x-lax.

"I didn't know you knew how to make cheese," Malik said.

"Oh, I've read about it," Seto said casually.

"Right," Bakura said, turning to Malik and Marik. "We'd better hurry if we want to make the cheese before tomorrow."

Bakura (who thought this would be fun, which was the only reason he was still hanging around), Malik, and Marik hurried off with the pig.

"When are you planning on telling them that won't work?" Fred asked.

"After I send the footage to channel 29," Seto said, shrugging.

"Where are we going to get the milk?" Marik asked.

"Where are we going to keep the pig?" Bakura asked.

"Um, let's ask Yugi for the milk, and we can keep the pig in the park," Malik said.

They got odd looks from both Motous as they and the pig entered the game shop.

"Um, Yugi, could we borrow some milk?" Malik asked.

"Why?" Yugi asked.

"We're making cheese," marik said.

"With a pig?" Yugi asked.

"Yes, everyone knows you need a pig's stomach to make cheese," Bakura said.

Yugi stared at them for a moment before running in the back and bringing them the milk.

/This is going to be interesting/ Yugi said to Yami once the trio had left.

I believe soYami said. By the way, how _do_ you make cheese?

The people in the park all stopped to watch the scene before them. Apparantly, a pair of twins and their white-haired friend were chasing a pig around with a plate, collecting its waste. One lady decided to get to the bottom of things.

"What in the name of all that is holy are you doing?" she asked them when they and the pig stopped running.

"We're collecting cheese," Malik said.

"That's not cheese, that's poop," she said.

"It smells like Limburger," Marik said.

"It's not, and how do you know what Limburger smells like?" she asked.

Marik shrugged.

"Save me from these idiots," she said, walking away with a little boy, muttering.

"Someday I'll tell you a story of three stupid teenagers and a pig."

She passed Seto who was doubled over in laughter, holding a video camera.

Farmer Ziffle came up to the trio, who were examining the "cheese", and the pig, still with the runs.

"How's the cheese making coming, boys," Fred asked.

"It's a little runny," Malik said.

"What kind of milk are you using?" Fred asked.

"Skim," Bakura said in disgust.

"Why don't you try whole?" Fred asked.

"That's a good idea," Malik said. "Marik, go get us some milk."

"I don't have any money," Marik said.

Malik and Bakura facefaulted.

"Use the Rod, you idiot!" Bakura said.

"Oh yeah…I forgot I had that," Marik said.

"Baka no Yami," Malik muttered as Marik scampered off.

"Hey, I resent that remark," Bakura said.

"No, you resemble it," Malik said.

. "Who's the comic now?" Bakura asked.

An hour later, a policeman was walking through the park and stepped in a stray pile of "cheese" as the three stopped to catch their breath.

"What in the wide, wide world of animal husbandry is going on here?" he asked as the pig ran by, straight to farmer Ziffle.

"We're making cheese," Bakura said.

"You're doin' what?" The officer exclaimed in disbelief.

"Making cheese."

"Well if that don't beat all."

"Yes, everyone knows you need a pig's stomach to make cheese."

"Yeah, I guess you do," the officer said, catching Fred's eye and seeing the camera. "Tell you what, I think you boys have made enough cheese for one day, but I'll get some of my convicts to collect the spare "cheese"."

"Thanks," Malik said.

Sirens sounded as an ambulance passed them carrying Seto in a straight jacket laughing his ass off.

The trio blinked.

"That's something you don't see everyday," Bakura said. The others nodded.

Farmer Ziffle left with his pig as a group of confused convicts arrived.

"Okay, you'll be helping these boys collect the rest of their "cheese"," the officer said.

The convicts looked more confused.

"I may be a criminal, but I'm not stupid-" one started, but was stopped by the officer nodding his head toward the camera, which was now hanging from a branch in a tree. "Oh, "_cheese_", right."

After all the "cheese" had been picked up, Malik, Marik, and Bakura went home. Also, Seto, who had managed to escape the lunatorium, came and retrieved his camera, sending the footage to channel 29.

When Isis arrived home Christmas eve, she put Malik, Marik, Rishid, and herself to work setting up for the party. Luckily for Malik, she wasn't paying attention to the food. Unfortunately, she was watching the news.

"MALIK!" she screamed. "You are going to die!"

"What did I do?" Malik asked.

"You were caught on tape "cheesemaking" yesterday, which is all over the news, _and_ you replaced the cheese with-" Isis said.

"This cheese tastes like shit," Marik said, spitting out the offending "cheese".

"It _is_ shit, Marik," Isis said, holding her head.

"Oh, good. It's not just me."

THE END

A quick A/N to Akio-chan's review on Bad Hair Day:

Thanks for pointing that out, and I'm glad you don't blame me. As I'm sure everyone will agree with me it's extremely difficult to not repeat some story content as there are sooo many stories in this (YGO) section, so I'm sorry if another author thought of these things before I did…the microwave was the only way I could think to end it, and the rest of the story was inspired by watching Daria and sitting outside the barber's shop and watching the sign spin…

Ice-Spirit Phoenix

Ja-ne-


End file.
